I cleared my credit card and overdraft this week. The process of repaying them has consisted of long, drawn-out conversations with the bank, an intermediary and the longest one of all, with me, myself and I. First there was the guilt and shame I felt over going into debt in the first place and then it was quickly followed by fear of never being able to pay it back and being chased by debt collectors. Having a full-time job where your salary pops into your account on the 28th of every month was a comfort for me and while I knew I was moving more and more into debt when I was in that position, I ignored it. I always assumed that the money would be there to repay the minimum amount and I would take it on eventually and pay it off.
Choosing to live the life of a full-time yoga instructor nearly two years ago suddenly brought my loans to the forefront of my mind. The first year I handled it but leading up to, during and after my trip to India and Nepal I couldn’t see the wood for the trees and the demand letters started. First I ignored them. Then there became too many to ignore and after many feelings of fear, apprehension and resistance I faced it.
In Ana Forrest’s book, Fierce Medicine, the first chapter is about stalking your fear.
“Stalking your fear is such a brave-hearted task. It is an act of courage, which transmutes the shame by giving you the chance to take actions that make you proud of yourself, building your self-esteem. You step onto the warrior path, the hunter path, instead of the victim path, of being prey. That is something to be proud of!
Get this: Fear is a signal. Fear needs you to respond. The challenge is to respond differently.”
I had to take a look at my reactions when I spoke with the bank and I realized I got so emotional about it, I found it very difficult to have a clear conversation and so there was little or no room for negotiation. I felt embarrassed and got defensive during the calls and it was like this until someone suggested I ask for help and work with an intermediary. I stepped into action even though it felt very uncomfortable and very vulnerable. Hiding the debt and not communicating to anyone about it weighed heavily on me. When I made the phone call to book an appointment with an intermediary I found it wasn’t all that bad. I had created a story bigger than what it was I had to face. My story was all encompassing and I hadn't made room for changing my view. I learned that there were ways to work with the banks in order for the demand letters to stop and there were options available for paying off the loans.
The loans I had were all related to the yoga, coaching and healing trainings I have taken over the last eight years. Ironically what cleared them was a yoga teacher training I facilitated this year in Ireland. As I transferred the money yesterday I felt a cycle complete. It has come full circle. I feel lighter in myself. I have let go of another story. It is no longer who I am. I am not my debt. I am not my finances. After many years of taking money seminars, working on my own sense of worthiness and allowing abundance into my life, it finally paid off. Something shifted and this week it just flowed. I offered a repayment, they said yes and that was it. Case closed. After years of worrying how to make it happen I did it in less than six months. I thought it would take forever but once I set the intention, took action it cleared quicker that I believed possible.
I am aware that this is only part of the journey. I am at ground zero financially and there will be more for me to learn as I move forward in what I want to create for expanding my business and my life. The difference now is that I am not afraid to ask for help.
“My new life of high self-worth, high net worth, and financial ease begins now!”
Abundance is in flow; it’s energy and not something we have to push to happen in life. Trust and be grateful for what is and what you have now, in this moment. Gratitude has been one of my biggest teachers on this journey along with being vulnerable with others about what my reality was and working with a new belief that I am worthy to receive.
Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have hard conversations.
I invite you today to notice if your fear is stalking you or are you courageous enough to turn it on its head and become a stalker of your own fear. It may not be comfortable, it may not be an easy path but it is worth it. I feel freer in myself than I have in years and I have learned to trust in myself and have confidence in my ability to take on a challenge no matter how hard it may seem.
“Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
If any of you are in a situation that you find increasingly difficult to deal with, reach out, ask for help and notice what the universe provides. For those of you dealing with financial woes and need assistance, MABS in Ireland were amazingly helpful and understanding and I am very grateful to the assistance I received.
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