I wanted to be angry. I wanted to blame him. I wanted to shout at him and hurl abuse. I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me.
I did not want to see his vulnerability. I did not want to let go of my story of us. It was such a wonderful story. I wanted to believe that what had just happened had destroyed the beauty we had previously shared. It would be easier to move on if I believed that.
I did not want to feel acceptance. I did not want to admit to understanding his confusion. I did not want to admit that while my heart had been shattered by his words, I too was experiencing confusion, fear and pressure. I did not want to show my own vulnerability.
In his walking away I did not want to admit that he gave me a gift and this gift meant truly committing to my own life. Just as he had challenged me to embrace my own beauty, he now challenged me to commit to creating the life I desired.
Truth: I am afraid of commitment.
I have run from commitment my whole life and I only realized this in the last couple of weeks. I remember announcing one of my 2013 goals was to be in a committed, loving relationship with an amazing man. I had it on my email signature at work for a while. Nearly two years later and I am still searching for that relationship. I thought I had found it. And in stepping into the relationship I immediately began to compromise. I began to chase the relationship instead of simply committing to taking it slow and steady and seeing where the journey would lead. Why am I willing to change my entire life for someone else? Why do I feel that this is commitment?
I am committed to compromising.
I am committed to compromising my own life vision and my goals for relationship because I have believed that is what is required. As women we compromise all the time. There are articles in magazines every day about how we can have it all – the career, the relationship, the children, the holidays, the house, the car, the travel and the way to do it is to compromise. So, love walks into our life and we begin to compromise. What drives the compromise? In my relationship he didn’t ask me to do any of the things I began to do. I simply believed that it was what he expected and so without thought I began to go through the motions for FEAR he would walk away if I didn’t.
This fear stems from a deeper fear of my not being enough. The fear of my not being enough results in my trying to be everything to him, which is a recipe for a hot mess. I ignore the signs that something isn’t quite right because nothing is perfect so of course there should be compromise and niggles of doubt there… that’s normal… right?!
Wrong! The reason behind the compromise & the niggles of doubt is the very place that needs to be investigated. This is where we discover our insight, our breakthrough to move to the next step on our life path. It doesn't mean the relationship is wrong, all it is saying is that there is something that needs to be said, there is a something that isn't working for me so how is it for you and can we talk about it to see if we can make it work for us. Its about communicating, opening up, being vulnerable.
Our gut reaction when we experience something that isn’t quite right for us is where we need to dive deep so we can understand what is driving our actions and our choices.
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
Wise words from Aristotle. To commit is to focus and it begins with us first. The committed, loving relationship I want in my life begins with having a committed loving relationship with myself, cultivating that relationship and loving being in that relationship.
Without commitment you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.
I have work to do. I am developing a whole new set of commitments for my life – for ME. Today I am committed to taking it one step at a time. I am committed to recognizing fear and being with it to see what is behind it. I am committed to taking the leap into commitment and seeing what it brings into my life.
I don’t know who wrote that but it speaks volumes to me.
Today I am choosing to face everything and rise.
Which one do you choose? What are you committed to today?
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